Another week has passed and yet again, a week of my life has been consumed by the ventures of that metal rascal. I did manage to find a small window in which to interview Bonabot’s creator, Marvin Beauchamp, which I will include in this article but only out of obligation. The rest of my time has been spent on the campaign trail with the mobile can of malware. For the second issue in a row, we’re crossing the smoggy bridge from the world of tech to the murky realm of local politics.
Most would assume, that a rousing speech from… whatever Bonabot is, in the run up to a local election, might allow concerned voters to let off some steam. A short-lived stir might be caused and we’d all sit around chuckling to ourselves Making the same obvious jibe about how a wheelie bin that has somehow been convinced that it’s a vessel for the spirit of Napoleon, would do a better job of representing us than our current crop of perspective leaders.
However, my armchair analysis tells me that, against all reason, the little riveted bugger might have a chance! To give our readership some insight into the political landscape of my hometown, Hatchfield, it’s much like any middling settlement in England. No one really cares all that much about local politics. The results of our elections and the actions of our council are driven by a few key factions:
The Hatchfield Earth Guardians – a group primarily concerned with promoting green initiatives and opposing corporate ventures. Bonabot struck a chord with them at the hustings when, upon questioning, he appeared to take a strong anti-motorist stance. I’ve speculated that this was a result of him being born over a century before the invention of the car and mistaking the word ‘automotive’ for ‘Ottoman’.
Britons 4 a Britain 4 Britons: Hatchfield Branch – B4B4B threw their full support behind Bonabot at the hustings. They were pleased to see a candidate take such a strong, anti-immigration stance. Even if it was specifically against ‘the arrival of English pig-dog monarchists’. But that was a compromise they were willing to accept.
The Hatchfield Drone Society – by far the most influential faction, are salivating at the prospect of a machine taking on the role of a member of the council. To them, governance is just another process yet to be automated. Having started as a small group of hobbyists, the society has grown in size and presence in recent years. On account of the lack of anything else to do in Hatchfield, there’s representation in the society from every start-up and organisation in the technology park. Representing the town’s biggest employers and having the resources to occupy their own office unit and creative space at the technology park, their support could be crucial.
Communist Party of Great Britain – little is known about how Hatchfield’s branch of CPGB feels about the situation as he did not attend the hustings. But he’s the type who’s mad enough to support a talking robot as an elected representative.
With the support of these political heavyweights, clinching a majority would not be beyond the realms of possibility for the silicon statesman. However, we still faced the tricky, vital question of Bonabot not actually being a person. Can a machine really run for election?
I contacted the Electoral Commission, to their knowledge, there was no specific law against a person made mostly of rust rather than flesh running for office. But Bonabot seems incapable of meeting most criteria for deserving the label of ‘person’. He’ll never pass the Turing test. A conversation with him is like trying to follow an email chain with someone who’s very recently lost all their fingers.
He doesn’t appear to be self-aware, I’ve tried explaining to him what a robot is and that he is one, but he still wakes me up every now and then with screams of confusion at where all his skin has gone. He has no sense of self preservation. As evidenced by how nonchalantly he wheels himself in front of buses and how his followers often have to restrain him when we pass anywhere near a canal.
He doesn’t seem to be capable of experiencing love. Flirtation? Yes. Many locals now know how unsettling the word ‘mademoiselle’ can sound when said seductively through a speaker grill sourced from the car stereo of an ancient Vauxhall Astra. But no signs of love per se.
So where did that leave us? There was one workaround, a human being could stand in his place. As his minder, I was the obvious choice. Now I want to be clear reader, as a member of the press, I feel it is my duty to remain bipartisan and unbiased. You may feel that by running for election, I’m presenting a conflict of interest. But I would argue that, by running, I allow this thought experiment to unfold. By not standing, I would be actively depriving many of their right to vote for Bonabot. And where would that leave my journalistic integrity!?
The issue of Bonabot’s ‘person’ status resolved, there was the small matter of the deposit to be paid in order for us to stand. I mentioned this to the metal man himself. His advice wasn’t particularly helpful. When I asked him where we’d find the money for this, he scoffed and informed me that I should just ‘order the treasury to release the funds’. Not wanting to try and drag him to our plane of consciousness again, I told him that the treasury, whoever they were, wouldn’t be able to. This angered him.
Saying nothing but “I’ll see to them.” Through gritted virtual teeth, he trundled off into the night (Worryingly, he’s now learned how to operate the front door). He was gone for a couple of hours. I have no idea what he did. I heard the panicked squeals of a clowder of cats during that time, which I hope had nothing to do with him, but I’m not optimistic.
He eventually returned with a spindly fist full of cash which he tried to insert into my mouth in one great wodge, before giving up and spending the rest of the evening trawling around the house whistling something that almost resembled a tune to himself.
So with that, I will be running in the upcoming election as a candidate for the party ‘Bonabot’.
Dear readers, I include below the transcript for my short interview with Mr Beauchamp and can only apologise. I said I’d bring it to you last issue and I’m sticking to my word. But I wouldn’t blame you for shredding the magazine at this point.
This might sound harsh, but Marvin, talking to you was about as engaging as a lecture from someone with the word ‘assurance’ in their job title telling you how their day went. How someone who created something as bizarre as Bonabot could be so boring is nothing short of a phenomenon. Marvin, I’m grateful for the experiences you’ve given me through your robot, but I hate you for disgracing several precious seconds of my life with your presence.
Reporter: Bonabot has built a cult following both amongst our readership and in his new home. When you first set about building him, did you think anything like this would be possible?
Marvin: No.
Reporter: … I see, well how does seeing your creation bring joy to so many make you feel?
Marvin: It doesn’t.
Reporter: ……. Right. Many, including myself have been quite critical of the build quality of your robot. What do you say to these critics.
Marvin: Nothing.
Reporter: Okay……. So……… What was your inspiration for building Bonabot?
Marvin: The competition.
Reporter: …….. I see. So what made you choose an artificial consciousness of Napoleon of all people as a personality for your home assistance bot?
Marvin: It was free.
Reporter: Err…… our readers may be interested to know more about the man behind the robot. What do you do as a day job? Does it involve robotics in any way?
Marvin: Work in a shop.
Reporter: An electronics or gadgets shop perhaps?
Marvin: Food shop.
Reporter: And when you’re not working, do you get up to any interesting hobbies or spend a lot of time building contraptions like Bonabot?
Marvin: No.
Reporter: I’m going to end the interview here, I’d say thank you Marvin but you’ve clearly wasted both of our time.
Marvin: Okay.
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