The tension is palpable, for the first time in decades, the population of Hatchfield are audibly buzzing with excitement for politics of all things! Flyers are being stuffed in letterboxes (and in turn, recycling bins). Pubs are reverberating with heated political debate. Electricity is in the air! And not just because EtherCom are experimenting with that 9G mast again. (I feel obliged to inform the readership that, as with 4, 5, 6, 7 and 8G, it will not dissolve your brain. We can’t state categorically that it’s not responsible for all the milk tasting funny as of late however.)
I have spent most of the past week on the campaign trail. As La Grande Armée parade through the town, throwing leaflets and yelling ‘vote tin geezer’, we’re greeted by cheers and salutes from locals and out-of-towners alike. A few recognise him from our humble magazine, some learned of him through a viral video featuring the troubled metal statesman entitled ‘The Siege of Home Bargains’ (The Bonabot Election Fund has fully reimbursed Home Bargains for the destruction of so many packets of Quavers during the incident) and many recognise him as the source of the disconcerting clattering noises that can be heard across Hatchfield at all hours of the night.
The ambitions of La Grande Armée has grown somewhat. Not content with a single robot councillor, many of his supporting factions have posted candidates in every ward of the Hatchfield Unitary Authority with the goal of investing all power of local government into Napoleon 2.0.
The path to power is not a clear one for Bonabot however. Even if it were, he’d probably still struggle to navigate it on account of his knackered wheels and tendency to veer off course at random in pursuit of large game that exist only in his frazzled mind. He is not without his critics. Aside from the many residents of the local area who put in noise and vandalism complaints to the police on a daily basis, his greatest critic has been Councillor Miles Bridge, of a party that shall remain nameless.
Mr Bridge has made numerous complaints both to the Electoral Commission and the local press about Bonabot’s campaign. He’s been quoted as saying that ‘Something that can barely even call itself a machine being elected to office is an afront to democracy. Not least because it harbours the spirit of a deceased dictator’. He has vowed to scupper Monsieur Bonaparte’s political ambitions by any means necessary.
A spokesperson for the Bonabot Party responded by saying; “Both the party and Bonabot himself acknowledge the concerns raised by Mr Bridge and those who share his views. However we fundamentally believe that it is the democratic right of the people of Hatchfield to be represented by whomever they choose. Regardless of whether or not their chosen representative is organic.”
Boanbot had in fact responded to Mr Bridge’s comments by challenging him to a duel, but the party have decided that he should not speak to the press directly until he’s undergone further media training.
Some of Bonabot’s more influential backers have also rallied their support and responded to Mr Bridge’s complaints. B4B4B accused him of being a ‘snowflake who was frightened of a leader that would finally get things done’. The Hatchfield Earth Guardians released quite a lengthy video essay in which they argued that a tin can imbued with sentience had just as many rights as any human. And rather more bluntly, the Drone Society released a statement in which they called Mr Bridge ‘a dog-bothering robophobe’.
Mr Bridge has stayed resolute in his objections however. We hear from one of Bonabot’s allies in the Drone Society that the data analysis firm FACTory, who happened to be based at the tech park, have been hired by Mr Bridge’s party to manage their campaign in Hatchfield. Their super-forecasting, psycho-marketing and social-tuning divisions have been given substantial financial resources to manage any digital advertising, identify specific target voters and employ complex algorithms to churn out slogans that have the highest chance of tipping the balance of the election in their favour. At the minute they seem to be keen on “Mate, he’s literally a bucket that thinks it’s Napoleon… Vote human”. How very democratic, Mr Bridge.
Despite the odds, finances, Britain’s oldest political institutions and common sense being against them, Club Bonabot are in high spirits. Sure, firms like that have been shaping the geopolitical landscape for decades, installing draconian governments and relentlessly taking the proverbial out of the idea of democracy and free thought. But this is local politics. What Mr Bridge and his fellow partymen are doing is an act of war!
Bonabot doesn’t know many things, primarily because of issues with hard drive space, but if there’s one thing he is well versed in, it’s the art of war. Dear readers, I feel this is far from over, and that the upcoming election night will be far more of a dice roll than many would anticipate.
I will end this week’s update by thanking all of the talented readers who submitted your art work and anecdotes of the intrepid metal man himself. This issue of 1s and 0s will be showcasing some of your best creations and stories.
I only wish we could print them all. Except for yours ‘Darren Aged 32’. Even if we could somehow depict your plasticine models in the medium of a magazine, we wouldn’t. We’ve deemed them too obscene for human eyes, let alone our publication.
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